Tell the EMT's to stand by.

Syracuse, New York (AP)
   Now here's a man's burger. A food vendor at the New York state fair has unveil the "Big Kahuna Donut Burger!!!"  That's right two of a guy's favorite things in one package. The Bug Kahuna is a quarter pound meat patty between slices of a giant grilled glazed donut!!!!! This thing has so many calories it's flammable.
Protect your arteries,
Rodger  B-P

Yup, got a CWI,.

Johnstown, Pa. (AP)
   A fellow was cooking supper but was little too drunk to be operating a stove. Fellow fell asleep at the stove resulting in a fire and the evacuation of the fellow's apartment building.  The fellow was charged with operating a stove under the influence and Cooking While Intoxicated. 
Protect your ass-ets,
Rodger   B-P                            
  

Somebody turn off that dog!!!

Seoul, South Korea (Reuters)
  Korean scientists have created a glowing dog. Yup when given a certain chemical, the dog glows green under an ultraviolet light. You too can have a living night light that barks. Wow a pet two ways to get your attention.
Protect your ass-ets,
Rodger  B-P

Never under estimate the power of a doughnut.

Cookson, Okla. (AP)
   Oklahoma wild life officials say that dough nuts are the best bait for trapping bears. In a related story, a large number of Oklahoma police officers have been found in bear traps.
Protect your ass-ets,
Rodger B-P

Hey buddy, seen my trash can???

Leesburg, Fla. (The Upshot)
   Man, things in Leesburg sucks, well the ground sucks. A sink hole has opened up in the middle of town eating a tree, trash cans, the back wall of a building. Kinda bad when you can't trust the ground.
Protect your assets,
Rodger B-P

Where are we???

Northborough, Mass. (AP)
   Suddenly, 100 street signs in the town are gone??? Police are investigating but, some feel, they don't know were to start. Residents of Northborough don't know who are why they're town has been targeted. Yup, I'm telling ya. Space Zombies.
Protect your local ass-ets,
Rodger  B-P

They walk among us!!!!

Springfield, Ga. (AP)
  Two men called 911 to report that intruders had broken into their home. The men reported that the intruders were in a back bedroom. The police arrived and could find no intruders. The police did, however, find the meth. the men had been using. The poor fellows started hallucinating, became paranoid and called 911 on themselves. It's called dope for a reason.
Protect your ass-ets,
Rodger B-P

Some one go and check the hot dog supply.

Stockerau, Austria (AP)
   Thieves steal 21 tons of mustard and ketchup. Wow, some where is one big hot dog. Hot do you fence 21 tons of mustard and ketchup..... in Austria. 
Protect your ass-ets,
Rodger ;-)

One peanut equals one year.

Salt Lake City (AP)
 A man was upset with a Southwestern Airlines Attendant and started throwing peanuts at the attendant. (Very mature.) The temper fit fellow is charged with interfering with a flight crew. This gracious gentleman could get 20 years.
Watch the pea-nuts,
Rodger ;-)

Escaped elephants nabbed at bus stop.

Berlin (Reuters)
  Two fugitive elephants were nabbed at a bus stop by police. The escapees had made several mistakes. The bus stop was a school bus stop and closed for the summer. This particular bus stop was withing sight of the local police station. In addition, the elephants had failed to wear disguises or had removed them due to the heat.
Protect your ass-ets,
Rodger B-P

How does that even work?

Columbus, Ohio (AP)
 Zoo keepers are putting fake eggs in momma flamingos' nests so they will rest.  (Sooooo many questions.)
Protect your assets and eggs,
Rodger

Eyes like a falcon??

Peterborough, On. (QMI)
  A trained (?) falcon attacked a woman while she was walking her dog. The woman recieved injuries to her eye, cheek, and soldier. The dog was unhurt. The police speculate the falcon saw the dog as prey.
  Yo, officers, the falcon didn't attack the dog!!!  Falcon's have great eye sight and did not mistake the woman for the dog!!!  The falcon was after the woman!!!! I'm telling you, the animals have had enough are taking the planet back.
Protect your ass-ets,
Rodger  ;-p

Excuse me, pee where and why?

Port Angeles, Washington (AP)
   Hikers and back-packers hiking along Olympic Park back country trails have been ordered not to urinate along the trails.  Apparently, human pee can attract mountain goats who are prone to attacking people. Trails users have been instructed to pee 200 ft. away from the trails to avoid creating liner salt licks for the goats.
   Several questions come to mind. #1. who can shoot a stream of pee 200ft.? #2. why am I supposed to move 200ft. off the trail where I could be attacked by a mountain goat away from help?
Hold your ass-ets,
Rodger ;-)

They Walk Among Us.

Durango, Col. (AP)
  A teen was trying to make larger fire works from smaller ones. The young fellow dumped the black powder into a COFFEE GRINDER and turned on the device. Yup the friction from the grinder set off the black powder and blue up the coffee grinder. The teen suffered minor injuries. Now turn to chapter 7 of your chemistry text and re-read the section ON FRICTION!!!!
Protect your kitchens,
Rodger  B-P

Gorilla survives banana attack.

Strongsville, Ohio (AP),
   A gorilla was standing outside of a wireless center where the gorilla is employed. Suddenly, a banana dressed as a Spartan jumped out of the bushes and attacked the gorilla. The wireless center manager immediately called 911 to report the assault. The gorilla was not seriously injured and was able to report back to work that day. Police are now on the look out for a rogue Spartan banana roaming the neighborhood.
Protect your apes,
Rodger  ;-)

Some things just ain't funny!!!

Moscow, Russia (AP)
Russian motorists created a big traffic jam by jumping out of their cars along a stretch of highway. Apparently thousands of rubles (money) were scattered along the highway. Motorists were taking this chance to get rich. The problem is that they were ((((Book Marks!!!)))) and not real money. (Insert any Bart Simpson comment that seems appropriate.)
Protect your marks, ass-ets, rubles, rupees, Benjamin's,
Rodger B-p

Somebody keeps monkeying around.

Jackson, N.J. (AP)
Two folks on Thursday and two more on Friday have called local police to report a baboon. Police aren't sure if they are looking for 1 or 4 baboons. A near by animal park has accounted for all of their baboons and there is no evidence of a hole in the fence. Police are at a loss to explain the sightings.
 However area 51 believers have an explanation (((space alien baboons))))!!!!
Protect your ass-ets,
Rodger  ;-)

Well we have to order your uniform.

Los Angeles, Ca. (Reuters)
A California man has been sentenced to three years for creating......wait for it..... a fake U.S. Army!!!! The fellow conned Chinese immigrants. This man charged immigrants a $300 to $500 fee to join. He promised recruits a path to citizenship.  I'm not sure why the suckers didn't notice that there was no ARMY BASE!!!!
Protect your ass-ets,
Rodger ;-)