DIDN'T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.

Edinburgh, Scotland (UPI)
 A Thomson Airways flight from Tunisia to Edinburgh was diverted to London after a drunken passenger attacked crew members with her prosthetic leg.  (I guess running away from her wasn't an option.)
Protect your limbs,
Rodger :-P

PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE CALLED THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU.

Enid, Oklahoma (UPI)
   Lynette Ray Sampson called police to complain her "meth" had been laced and was not pure product. When police arrived she showed them where her "meth" was so they could test it for purity.  (Tweeet, outta the gene pool. Report to sterilization.)
Yeah, they walk among us,
Rodger  :-P

NO STRAIN HERE BOY.

Vienna, Austria (UPI)
   Niko Alm, a practicing Pastafarian, has won the right to wear a plastic colander on his head for official photos, for example, his drivers license.  Mr. Alm said that this was a great victory for all Pastafarians around the globe.  (All righty then.) 
Protect your utensils,
Rodger :-P 

INAPPROPRIATE WATER MELON SLICING.

Bantam, Conn. (UPI)
   Carmen Cervelino has been charged with second degree "threatening" and disorderly conduct.  Apparently, Carmen stabbed a watermelon and began cutting slices and eating them in front of his girl friend. The woman complained Mr. Cervelino was threatening her by cutting and eating the watermelon in a "passive/aggressive fashion." (Damn, how do you not cut and eat a watermelon aggressively?)
Protect your melons,
Rodger :-P

THEY WALK AMONG US AND SOME SELL GUNS.

BLOOMSBURG , Pa. (UPI),
  Gun dealer Geoffery Hawk accidentally, accidentally, I said accidentally shot Krysta Gearhart in the thigh while demonstrating a conceal carry holster with a loaded, loaded, a f***king loaded 380 cal. automatic at the Eagle Arms Gun Show in Bloomsburg!!!  People did not come to Krysta's aid at first.  Folks were undercover to see if there was going to be more gunfire. (Geoffery Hawk needs his gun dealer license pulled for being a careless dumb-ass.)
Protect your ass,
Rodger :-P