KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN ONE DAY

Berlin, Germany (AP)
   An explosion at dairy barn lifted the roof. The explosion apparently came as a result of cattle farts. Static electricity set off the cloud of bovine butt belches resulting in the explosion. The roof and one dairy cow were injured.
Protect your facility,
Rodger :-P

REPORT TO STERILIZATION----NEVER MIND.

Portland, Oregon (AP)
  A man suspected of shooting a neighbor in a robbery attempt shot himself in the testicles while trying to escape. The man is under treatment in a local hospital. Police haven't charged the man yet as they are still laughing.  (Some things just take care of themselves.)
Protect your privates,
Rodger :-P

WHEN YOU'RE IN SOME S**T, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

Freeland, Pa (AP),
   35 year old Anthony Lescowitch posted his wanted poster on his Facebook page and bragged that the police would never catch him.  A woman "liked" old Tony's post and told Tony she was a fan.  After some amount of chat on Facebook, Mr. Lescowitch agreed to meet the lady "fan" for a cigarette.  Mr. Lescowitch met the police officer who had been pretending to be a lady "fan" and was arrested.  (Tweet, outta the gene pool, report to sterilization.)
They walk among us,
Rodger  :-P

LOOK OUT GRANDMA, THE PACKAGE HAS ARRIVED!!

Washington, D.C. (Reuters)
   Penis pumps, penis pumps, p-e-n-is pumps cost Medicare, I said, Medicare (gotta be 65) $172 million between 2006 and 2011 which is about twice as much as retail!!  (Wait, Medicare will pay for penis pumps for dudes over 65? )
Protect your pleasure,
Rodger :-P 

WHAT DO YOU MEAN SLIGHTLY???

Dunmore, Pa. (NBC)
   Greg Leeson is trying to sell his "slightly" haunted house for $140,000.  Other than one bathroom having phantom footsteps, a strange knocking, a hardly noticeable scream at 3:30 am once a week and a ghastly visage behind you in the bathroom mirror, everything else in the house is good. (Wow, makes one wonder what a "moderately" haunted house has?)
Protect your spooks,
Rodger :-P

DAMN MUNCHIES!!!!

Newington, Conn. (AP)
   A man repeatedly backed a station wagon into a convenience store breaking the glass.  The fellow then stole a banana, ate it and left.  (Man, the herb must have been superb.)
Protect your fruit,
Rodger :-P

MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU FEEDING THOSE PEOPLE?

Vienna, Austria (AP)
  A dump truck full of adult diapers set off radioactivity alarms at the local incinerator.  A hazmat team determined the cause was not a radioactive terrorist bomb. Apparently, the cause was radioactive iodine used in treating some of the owners of the adult diapers. (What can I say.)
Protect your depends,
Rodger :-P

SO MANY QUESTIONS, SO LITTLE TIME.

Sydney, Australia (AP)
   Police use olive oil to free a naked man stuck in a washing machine.  (So many questions, so little time.)
Protect your washateria,
Rodger :-P
 

WHERE'S SHELDON WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

Indian Trail, N. C. (AP)
   David Waddell wrote his resignation letter to the Town Council in Klingon. (Soooo, who else knows enough Klingon to determine what the letter said?)
Protect your nerdness,
Rodger :-P
 

WELL DAMN, WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.

Bentonville, Ark (The Christian Science Monitor)
   Wal-Mart has just recalled donkey meat contaminated with fox meat from its stores in China. (I don't know what to say.)
Protect your spam,
Rodger :-P

THEY WALK AMONG US.

North Charleston, South Carolina (AP)
   44 year old Helen Williams was so upset at her man returning home without beer that she beat and stabbed him with a ceramic squirrel.  Helen told police that the fellow fell on the squirrel and cut himself.  However, Miss Williams was unable to explain why she was covered in blood. (A ceramic squirrel, what's the world coming to.)
Protect your statues,
Rodger :-P