SLED IS IN THE SHOP.

Rio de Janiero, Brazil (Reuters)
Santa Claus steals air taxi helicopter. Police have no leads. (Well officer, he was wearing a red suit and had a beard...)
 Protect your holidays,
Rodger  :-P

AND NOW FOR THE WINE.

Vaughan, Ontario (UPI)
   Harpreet Singh, Saurav Kumar and Kulvir Bains ages 36, 19 and 31 were arrested for hijacking a tractor trailer containing 30,000 lbs. of cheese. Authorities are unsure what the three planned to do with the cheese although they were apprehended near a cracker warehouse. (Soooo, how much is the demand for "hot" cheese?)
Protect your snacks,
Rodger :-P

SOUNDS LIKE A COVER UP.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin (Reuters)
   Authorities are calming fears that a zombie is roaming the countryside after an empty coffin was found beside a rural Wisconsin road. A man came forward and said that the coffin was his. The fellow said that the coffin had fallen out of his boat which he was towing behind his truck. (?)  (Yeah, sounds reasonable to me.)
Protect your remains,
Rodger :-p

I NEVER TRUSTED COWS!!!

London, (UPI),
   Cows are the most dangerous animals in Great Britain. Cows have killed 74 people in the last 15 years. Cows are far ahead of other animals with dogs, having killed 17, in second place. (Hopefully, American cows won't be infiltrated by the Brit's Cow Mafia.)
Protect your ass-ets,
Rodger.